Constant, teeth grinding on sandpaper moments passed in the air, as the vacillating of my mind reached a pinnacle of it’s back and forth. Pros and Cons lists had been made, counsel had been sought across many hours of conversation, and prayer, fasting and time alone with God had exhausted me yielding only head games that played with my heart. In fearful trepidation I tried to choose the next thing to invest into after being outside of United States for a year, and the uncomfortable nails on the chalkboard reality that made my soul cringe incrementally was that there wasn’t a direct answer.
A year ago, my sleep was disrupted by God, as He whispered to my heart that He wanted me to go to Malaysia. Over the next months I was able to test God to prove His word and His faithfulness. At the time there were small steps that led up to bigger tests of faith, and there was a sufficient amount of time to get my mind used to the changes that would barrage me in the future. Time and again I would ask God for confirmation of the path I was walking down, and time and again confirmation would be provided. However, throughout re-entry process into the US, from stepping off the plane into the LAX airport, to coming back to Ohio, and finally going down to Georgia for a final debrief of the whole experience God remained fairly low key on my next steps, and, at times, it seemed He was grudgingly silent on the matter.
At Project Searchlight, our final debrief, I had big expectations for what God was going to reveal to me. I didn’t doubt that God would lay out some next steps for me on my journey, but sadly none of that happened. Project Searchlight came and went, and all I had were inklings in different directions. Most of what Project Searchlight did was put a mirror up to my heart, and show me that there was still a long road ahead of me.
After spending my life abroad for 11 months and on 3 continents I grew in leaps and bounds, but by the last month of the Race I hadn’t finished everything I began. In my heart I knew that there was more that God had for me, and that the Race wasn’t the end of my training. Coming home I saw myself drift between who I was before the Race and who I am now, and that irked me deeply. Fear entered into my heart, and specifically the fear that all I had worked so hard to uncover and deal with over the last year would be lost if I didn’t do something about it.
Somewhere along the line, I got the idea to join the Center for Global Action (CGA), which is Adventures in Missions’s (AIM’s) discipleship program for World Race alumni. It appealed to me, because AIM had given me much to work with over the Race. Clearly I had grown, but I think I needed some of the lessons to harden a bit more to fully become a part of who I am and not be shaken by my surroundings. At Project Searchlight I did an interview with one of the directors of CGA on a whim, and ended up getting accepted into the program before the next week was through. Still, my heart was uneasy about the commitment, which would be the next 8 months of my life. Not only that, the program started two weeks from Project Searchlight, and that quick turn around made me edgy. Moving down to Georgia after finishing the World Race didn’t exactly sound appetizing.
Another discipleship program reared it’s head, having a more clear trajectory towards a job and a career, and it started in January, enough time to save up money, raise support, and go comfortably on my way. However, My spirit was conflicted, because I kept hearing something say, “do CGA”. If not for that strange tug in my spirit I would have been able to sleep soundly and depart for this other program in January. As it was though, I began agonizing over the decision and was left paralyzed with indecision.
Eventually, the day to move to Georgia for CGA arrived, and people kept telling me that I needed to make the decision to reject CGA and embark with this other program. It wasn’t that clear cut for me, because something inside me wouldn’t let the next few months pass until I had to leave for the next program. Even though it was my desire to stay, work a job, and try for this other program in the upcoming months I found myself instead, packing up my car, still unsure of what I was doing, and taking steps towards moving to Georgia.
Noon was the planned departure time to begin this short road trip down south, but I was slowed so much by the agonizing back and forth process in my head I left at 6pm. As soon as I got in the car somethings said to me, “Stop! Unpack the car and do the other program!” and that same voice plagued me for hours as I drove down. However, because I knew that staying wouldn’t give me clarity or peace of mind, I ignored that command.
Midnight rolled around, and I stopped that night in a hotel to sleep on it. Inside, I hoped to wake up with a conclusion or a revelation, but in the morning I was more confused. After a few calls to friends and family early in the morning everything in me had to muster the power to drive the next 5 hours to Georgia, because my neuroses had expanded. In my head I tried to muster up a decision from revelation, but my brain fired down the same routes I had always gone. It wasn’t for lack of information that I couldn’t make this decision.
Strangely, at the height of all this tension in the car, Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated” came on the radio bursting through with clarity. It was as if God was clearly speaking to me, “why you gotta’ go and make things so complicated!?” Silly to say the least, for me in that moment, those words were fresh water to my wearied mind. Even stranger still, the next song lyrically declared, “no don’t you dare look back,” followed by, “Shut up and dance with me!” — Those pop songs served as encouragement to go down to Georgia, and to figure all this out. I wasn’t going to give up without clarity, and I was going to hold fast to a decision that I felt sure in. Looking back, I’m almost certain that God used those—I know that sounds crazy.
Upon arriving at the house I was supposed stay in, I started panicking, wanting to leave and be over with this whole process, but I heard God whisper to my heart, “Don’t leave”. If I hadn’t received that word I would have driven straight back to Ohio in that moment, because that seemed much easier. At a banquet that evening, one of the leaders of AIM expressed his excitement for the new season, while also declaring that there was a heightened spiritual conflict/attack this week on all CGA staff. Strange problems arose that seemed more than coincidental, and the question arose that maybe more was going on than meets the eye. That resonated with me, but I didn’t admit it to anyone. It also wasn’t the first time I had thought of that. The difficulty I had with the decision I knew was not from God—and neither was the agonizing. At one point the decision to do CGA made sense, early on in the process, but after thinking about it so much it didn’t.
Over the next few days I called people and processed with my roommates, admitting that I really might not be there for longer than those few days. Everyone was supportive, but Sunday night rolled around and I needed to either begin the program the next day or to drive home. Giving myself over to sleep, I awoke at 2am, and God spoke to my heart, calming it down, and telling me to stay. For the first time in weeks I had a peace, but I couldn’t sleep. Around 4am, I finally started unpacking my car that had been sitting in the driveway for 3 days filled with all my earthly possessions.
Track began that morning with worship, and one of the leaders who didn’t know me came and prayed over me. He looked me in the eye, and told me, “you’re supposed to be here. Don’t doubt that.”
It was clear that God had seen me.
Over the next few days and weeks confirmation that I was supposed to be there at CGA rolled in from friends, people who didn’t know me, and uncanny situations, but that tension before I had made up my mind was left for me to battle with so that I could learn to trust God. Also, all the doubts didn’t fade away, and it wasn’t comfortable to start this program, move to a different state, begin getting used to new roommates, begin support raising again, and find a new job. However, God saw me through it, and helped me.
Sometimes faith is a battle against ourselves. Sometimes faith is admitting we don’t have the information or the right pair of eyes to see correctly, so we have to put ourselves out there to understand more clearly. Truly, I believe God honors men and women who say to Him “I believe! Help my unbelief!” My heart was set on this other program, but I think God was telling me a different thing. In my heart I felt the duality in my spirit, and each step that I didn’t understand was a step I needed to take in order for my heart to be aligned with God’s.
Perhaps the verse that served me best on my pilgrimage from Ohio to Georgia was Matthew 6:33 “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you” Currently, I’m learning to trust God deeply, and it’s scary at times. God doesn’t work how we think He should or might, but He’s always good to us–and there is power in that.
Thanks for reading this far!
